The spirituality of the couple therapist / couple coach Terry Real

I took a couple therapy course with Terry Real some years ago. I had no professional ambitions at the time. But, these skills turned out to be extremely useful - for myself, and for friends and not-quite-clients.

My highly recommended DIY strategy: become your own couple therapist / coach

I am not an unconditional fan of couples therapy. It can make things worse or be a waste of money. It's an unfortunate research finding that 50% of couples end up divorced or separated anyway. And it's hard to prove that couples therapy was the reason the others stayed together.

So, instead of relying on, paying and then blaming others, I decided to take my future into my own hands for a fraction of the cost.

Why did I choose Terry Real?

A few years ago, I happened to hear about Terry Real, a rather famous US couples coach and therapist. I based my decision on a hunch and maybe on age. He is 5 years older than me.

Being competitive, I really cannot accept the wisdom of a 45 year old who most likely has between zero and two children. And less than 40 years relationship experience.

I might be tempted to give unasked advice to such junior therapists without life experience ....

Why was my choice of Terry Real perfect for me?

My hunch turned out to be good self-advice.

• For a start, the training was online. So, I could subscribe from Germany.

• Second, I could subscribe without preconditions, such as having any prior formal certificate, training, or other kinds of documented evidence for working in that area. That´s good because I studied sociology, and then worked in IT for thirty-plus years.

• Third: there´s a huge range of experienced therapists in his associated learning group. This way, one notices fast that therapists are people too. Or, it becomes obvious, as Terry Real says repeatedly: a therapist is someone who needs 30 hours therapy per week. I lived for years with a therapist as a partner: she confirmed this statement.

• It also turned out that Terry Real , as a Buddhist meditator, has his own definition of spirituality - but it´s not the lofty theoretical spirituality: it is grounded in attitide and behavior.

So, here, I just want to focus on how Terry Real defines his "spirituality" as a therapist. I use slightly reworded quotes from a group session.

What is the spirituality of Terry Real´s "Relational Life Therapy"?

Terry defined it as state of consciousness, type of experience, and spiritual "features" (my term).

State of consciousness

• Contact with something large, ubiquitous, alive (or,  large living, loving). Some people say spirit, others say god.

• Expanded consciousness of your own mind.

• Reduced borders between you and I  (separation is error). No existential separation.

In fact, based on my experience, this sounds like a psychedelic non-dual experience.

Experience

• Spiritual experience  = being in a flow state - very Buddhist way of "being with"

• Being in the "functional adult "(this is a special term of him, as opposed to the reactive child).

14 ways  in which RLT is spiritual

Then, Terry went on to improvise how the spirituality of RLT works in practice.

•  in the "functional adult" with self-compassion is intrinsically spiritual .The state of intimacy is a spiritual state. It is the conjunction of love and truth. It is the experience of being seen AND loved. This is healing.

• We are relational with our clients.   We build a true human relation. We synchonise our nervous system to that of our clients  This is energetic, visceral  co-regulation. "We know what they know, we feel what they feel".

• We give energy to our client. We create a  parental holding environment in that sweet spot between mother and infant. It is an energetic dance, and umbilical chord from chest to chest.

• We scan for and we engage the best part of our clients. We call forth their inner angels.   We engage with their functional adult, and then that part of them will show up  ("If you treat someone as he ought to be he will become who he ought to be" - Goethe).   We do not pathologise our client.  We do not believe that our clients are fragile. 

• We wake people up.  We create the miracle of someone changing permanently because they had a shift in consciousness. Once they see, it's hard to unsee.   This is a sudden second-order shift in consciousness. This is a spiritual experience.

• We reconnect our clients to themselves.  We enable empathy, compassion, and speaking up for themselves.

• We call forth new our clients´s latent capacities. We teach them vulnerability,  compassion, and empathy. We elevate the developmental level of our clients

• We teach and encourage relational mindfulness.  Relational mindfulness is the relational skeleton. It is a second-order consciousness beyond kneejerk reactions towards something that is free. Freedom from our own unconscious responses.  That IS the "earth skill" - the skill that all other skills come from.

• We teach and even create from scratch self-esteem in our clients. Joining through the truth is relational self-esteem.  Divide the person from the behavior. Have a  cool eye on the person´s destructive behavior.  "You should feel bad about bad behavior".  But not so bad that it becomes an attack on the person. We model self-esteem by modelling it.

• We speak with relational wisdom. No patriarchal perspective.  Multifactorial ecological relational. Understanding world from multidimensional perspective. No hubris. We correct for hubris that is essential patriarchy.  

• We walk the talk.  We are in this with you. It is for us, not for you. We love ourself with the same humble respect.  We are not above you. We are all doing our best.  We don´t impose ourselfves on them. 

• We teach in practice detachment from outcome.  At the micro level, sentence by sentence,  and at macro level for out outcome of therapy. We never get into fights with people. We dont get into control struggle.  We just tell our truth. Its your life, not mine.  What do I know? "Maybe the best thing for you  is to blow up your family". 

More advice: how to stay fresh and wise

Question:  How do have enough empathy and freshness all day long?   Answer: Just sit there, feel whatever the truth is and speak whatever the truth is.  Attachment to outcome is an empathy killer.

Question:  Am I wise enough?  Terry´s answer:  my technique is "rolling through my Rolodex of Terrys" and finding the part of me that is pretty much like my client. If I can access that I can pretty much tell what you would say and do, because I would say and do that".  Start with the assumption that there is a part of you that reflects the client.   Trust your intuition.  Also if you begin to not like the client.  Speak the truth.

Empathy techniques Q&A

Question: what if I am not in my flow state?    Answer:  Is my ego getting into it? Trigger, outcome, my attitude.   We have to go through periods of "coldness" eg of we don´t like the process.

Question:  How do you maintain your stamina?  Answer: Let that energy nourish your soul.  Flow state is refreshing.  No attachment to outcome. Point by point, sentence by sentence.  A "Zen not-caringnesss" that protects me from being drained.  Crash:  when the work is finished. Like an artist.  Like a wave.  It´s like a dance. Forward, beackward. Think less about the energy going from you to them, instead back and forth.

More quotes

• It's easy to be spiritual when you are on the pillow

• Be spiritual when your partner is screaming at you; be spiritual when you are feeling abandoned; be spiritual when you are in the dark night of your relationship and you feel that your relationship is a big mistake and you feel that you are trapped

• Three kinds of "first consciousness": fight, flight, fixing (not "fight flight freeze"). This may need a separate post!.

• Definition of "being spiritual": reaching for the prefrontal cortex when you are in the woosh; reaching for a different part of your brain. "You reach for a part that can stop and breathe and be deliberate". 

Post Trump Election Addendum

This is an update as of April 2025. Terry Real had taken position regarding the Trump election. In a now deleted Youtube shortly after the election, he stated the following

• Direct claim about voter motivation: "For years, pundits wondered how Trump could be so popular despite his clear lies, cons, racism and misogyny. By now it should be abundantly clear. He is not popular despite these traits, but because of them."

• He elaborates on this motivation: "He is grandiosity unleashed, incivility unrestrained. And just as he claims, he gets away with it. Those of us who choose him don't really think he's going to look after us. We want to be him."

• He frames this desire as part of a broader cultural aspiration: "This is the true unacknowledged American dream, that fame and money will transform us, render us more than human. A celebrity, a deity, a star."

Further, he outed himself as Kamala / Oprah fan:

• "Beaming Kamala, blessed Oprah, the light filled couple the Wall Street Journal derisively dubbed 'the sanctimonious Obamas' all tried to call us, to remind us, implore us, this is not who we are."

This text at the time probably lost him a large percentage of students.

It just shows that therapists entering the political area tread on thin ice.